sorry in advance

you guys don't know me and i hope it's ok if i just write this all out right now. I'm 26 married and living in a dorm room. I have a dog and a ton of children.

June 6, 2010 at 1:22 pm my mama's mother passed away. that morning i was singing and accepting an award at the first baptist church in elwood at which my Mamaw on my father's side attended with my 2 great aunts Helen and Joan who is married to Dan. After service we all go to licoln square for dinner. I know Nana is bad so I call Mama to ask how she is and obviously not good. a few minutes later my father goes outsides and calls and i go with him talking to patrick (husband). Father gets off the phone with mama and says nothing i ask him whats going on. It seemed like an eternity but he spun himself around on the sidewalk and screamed at me SHE'S DEAD OKAY?!?!?! we continue inside to eat. i was going to tell no one and act as if everyone was fine so as not to freak my mamaw out and to not get apologies from everyone. my father of course makes sure the whole restaurant knows that his mother in law is dead. the only consolation i get all day is from Aunt helen saying everything is going to be alright. Needless did she know at the time she would be losing her sister in just over a month. I go back home and decide not to audition for Gepetto and son at my community theater. I was alone that day. PAtrick was working.

On July 19 we found out we were pregnant again. We were overjoyed! Keep in mind i have been pregnant 7 times and miscarried each time. We were aprox 3 months alone but had no idea because we are both used to me not feeling well. It was a boy and his nickname was Derek. I loved him. Normally I miscarry at 2 months or less. The docs and P and I were very hopeful. on July 25 the docs found different genitals and it was a girl. It was confirmed there were two. We praised the Lord and plans were set in motion. Darbi and Derek were their nicknames. a week and a half later I miscarried Darbi. I still had my boys. D and P. plans kept going. Pixar nursery jelly belly bathroom. new car for baby mama :P We were happy that things were going along well. Derek was safe and strong. I started to feel him move the 27 and it was the most amazing feeling ever. to know that i am keeping this baby alive and well. I do everything right :) that child was loved. We had the name pretty much figured out and were planning the house going to classes every everything. Patrick felt Derek move Fri July 30 while he was holding my belly and face. He cried. He cried as he kissed each one of my eyes and my nose then went done and talked to Derek. We prayed every morning every night over Derek. Patrick is a wonderful prayer. I was sooooo sick though. My actual friend Derek was a life saver. every night he would help me. never left me while patrick worked. occupying my time telling me it was going to be ok making me laugh. I am so very lucky. I had a massive baby bump with the 2 babies. It was funny. I lived for my boy didn't sleep very well but he had a good diet and the correct supplements. On the 1 of August I started bleeding again. I knew what was happening though i "prayed it away." Doc said i was miscarrying. i knew that ididn't need someone to tell me. it was just a matter of time. Patrick was devastated and wept with me. We have had this child for almost 4 months! how is he going away. It's about too late to have a miscarriage anyway. The docs wanted me in the hospital i shut off all devices and hid in my home. On Wednesday the 4 of August I was babysitting but had to leave immediately because i knew Derek was going. I was having contractions. Patrick came home from work and I gave birth or miscarried(should have been in hospital) to a baby i fit in my hands. I wept. sobbed screamed. I have never had a baby that long. God why did you take him?!?! I loved him. We sang that night until i fell asleep on patricks lap. Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.

On July 25 2010 my mother calls my cellphone which i purposefully ignore 3 times then ignore my sister's phone because i know it's her. Then my brother calls me and i pick up. He's going to elwood. mamaw is very bad. that day the whole family gathered together while she lay there. She talked to all of us and tapped her foot while we sang. For me singing is my comfort so singing to her for hours and hours of how our Savior loves us and will lead us home was amazing. everyone leaves that day saddened knowing she's not going to last much longer. Mama sits vigil morphine every half hour.finally at 1:20 am on Monday July 26 I call my dad by happenstance and he says have you heard? "she's gone?" "yeah" he starts weeping. I get off and turn to Derek who is once again there. I cried again and sang again. I took a shower.

Friday August 6 2010, PAtrick has a dr. appointment to look at blood test results. Colon cancer. Is god really trying to kill my family? chances aren't good. (sorry d6fer.) What is god trying to say. How the hell and i supposed to be strong in the Lord when he is letting us be torn apart? i'm scared i won't be good enough for patrick or do the right things. i'm worried he will die because of me doing something wrong. this weekend we got away from home. We left. went camping. Such an intimate weekend. all the sorrow and love. Passionate cleansing weekend. Lots of God and bonding. All to often i forget how my hand fits in his. How his scruffy tickles my shoulder. how he loves his head cradled. how in sync we are to one another. it's like we feel one another. so intuned. never knew how much i loved him until we were inseparable. it's like rediscovering the most wonderful thing. but this time it was intimate and strong, powerful. i'm not sure why but it was a necessity to be united so much these past 2 days. were we yet again proving to each other that there was love? no play time this weekend. no wrestling or tickling or flirting. just extreme serious i love yous. somber weekend you could say. no alone time but not much talking. there was no need for it. we knew each other's minds hearts and souls. it was fear acting out in its own way through us. i love him.

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skald said over 3 years ago ...

I really don't know what to say. I read it all and you have suffered so much lately. I am sorry. I am sure will will have better times again.

quietone said over 3 years ago ...

My dear, you don't know me either, but I see you do have some faith to hang on to. God loves us and you must know that fear is not of God, neither is sickness. That is not His tests. You need to focus on your faith and keep yourself strong. God will not give us anything we cannot handle... and we cannot handle anything without Jesus. Remember also, loss is painful that is part of love, and if Jesus lives in you and your loved ones who have passed, you will see them again... in a place so full of love we cannot even imagine on earth. So, no God is not trying to kill your family. Hold on to His hand and pray, He will comfort you. Bless you.

skald said over 3 years ago ...

Hi I saw that I had not written you. I meant to say that I am sure that you will see better times again.

d6fer said over 3 years ago ...

Hey kiddo, sorry to hear about Patrick. I hope things work out for the best for you and him.

fallyn said over 3 years ago ...

i haven't much to give, but hope you will accept a comforting hug. my energy to you.

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