Hey guys, I haven't really written too much but that's because of Patrick. Today has been really tough. Worse that I can imagine but I need to write. I have a feeling the next few weeks are going to be brutal. Right now is brutal. I'm not looking forward to Wednesday. I am so scared about wednesday actually. All this happened so fast. All within a month. I am glad we were able to travel a bit more and do fun things. Sorry it's taking me so long to write this writing is when and where i let go. The worst part is that he had to struggle. When it was time I got to administer all the medications and start him on the morphine. God, he's coming back in the morning right? Patrick has always come back. Patrick will come back. I will sing him back like Nala from Australia I will sing him to me. I will sing maboy back to me. I'm so tired. No sleep for days. I can't eat I can't pray but I can yell at God. I'm sure by the time this is over it will never be over but i will be dead this is going to kill me. Oh maboy noooooo you can't be gone I love you so much! My darling I love you. My dearest PAtrick. I can't believe it. I won't believe it! I won't. God, no. Why? I love him. Are you trying to kill me to?!?! Please take me with him. No please God. please i beg you God i beg you i will do anything if i can have PAtrick back. You say you grant us the desires of our hearts but he was my desire You and Patrick and you ripped him away from me and are You trying to push me away as well? I have lost everything. Lord, I'm not Job and I don't think Satan is knocking at my door so please inform me of WHY damnit! Why!!!!!