Okay,................. So it's been a while. Actually it feels alot longer than it actually has been. So I now have 3 counsellors who i talk to on a regular basis, one of them is nearing the end as he is a low intensity ctb counsellor, but that's okay because i go on to work with a high intensity counsellor who can continue my sessions if he feels i need longer. This year has been the hardest year i think that i've ever had. I've lost my step gran and also sadly my gran passed away on the 7th of september. What has continued to happen within my crazy, complex completely upside down family is breaking all the things that I feel in my heart a family should be. When times are hard and everyone is hurting, at least you know you have each other to count on and to lean against. Unfortunately this has not happened. What is happening instead is somewhat uncomprehendable, it breaks all the rules upon which I was brought up with.
Although my childhood was by no means a fairytale or something you would want your child to brought up in, for me it was normality, it was comforting and it brought me a view on the world that would have never have been posible without it.
I used to have fun and learnt that you can have great responability, and still be just as childish as a baby who cries out for someone in the night, just because they need their guardian to be thier to look after them. To be able to have a in deepth conversation and then in the next minute to see you are almost crying with laughter because you are having the most crazy pillow fight and you've broken it and your now completely covered in feathers.
As difficult as loosing these two people in the last year has been, it has actually conjured something else.
My papa.............................he passed away in 2004, and he has never left my thoughts. It has become easier to cope with, but it is never easy to talk about and i resent that I'm unable to let people close enough to see the relationship that i had with him because i want the whole world to know, and in the same breath because it is so close to my hearty i want to lock it up and hide it and never let anyone see it, because once everybody knows then I've lost it.
It will not be mine anymore, it will be feel to ridacule and disbute, the idea that someone who I care has the power to do that is petrifying.
So here lies the problem if i never let anyone know what i class as the most important relationship in my life. It means, i'm guarded. I'm safe, and no one will ever understand.........
So what do i do?????