Yakkstr

This year has been the hardest year

Okay,................. So it's been a while. Actually it feels alot longer than it actually has been. So I now have 3 counsellors who i talk to on a regular basis, one of them is nearing the end as he is a low intensity ctb counsellor, but that's okay because i go on to work with a high intensity counsellor who can continue my sessions if he feels i need longer. This year has been the hardest year i think that i've ever had. I've lost my step gran and also sadly my gran passed away on the 7th of september. What has continued to happen within my crazy, complex completely upside down family is breaking all the things that I feel in my heart a family should be. When times are hard and everyone is hurting, at least you know you have each other to count on and to lean against. Unfortunately this has not happened. What is happening instead is somewhat uncomprehendable, it breaks all the rules upon which I was brought up with.

Although my childhood was by no means a fairytale or something you would want your child to brought up in, for me it was normality, it was comforting and it brought me a view on the world that would have never have been posible without it.

I used to have fun and learnt that you can have great responability, and still be just as childish as a baby who cries out for someone in the night, just because they need their guardian to be thier to look after them. To be able to have a in deepth conversation and then in the next minute to see you are almost crying with laughter because you are having the most crazy pillow fight and you've broken it and your now completely covered in feathers.

As difficult as loosing these two people in the last year has been, it has actually conjured something else.

My papa.............................he passed away in 2004, and he has never left my thoughts. It has become easier to cope with, but it is never easy to talk about and i resent that I'm unable to let people close enough to see the relationship that i had with him because i want the whole world to know, and in the same breath because it is so close to my hearty i want to lock it up and hide it and never let anyone see it, because once everybody knows then I've lost it.

It will not be mine anymore, it will be feel to ridacule and disbute, the idea that someone who I care has the power to do that is petrifying.

So here lies the problem if i never let anyone know what i class as the most important relationship in my life. It means, i'm guarded. I'm safe, and no one will ever understand.........

So what do i do?????

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starchini said over 2 years ago ...

I think I would better be able to comment if you explains the following sentence a bit better for me:

It will not be mine anymore, it will be feel to ridacule and disbute, the idea that someone who I care has the power to do that is petrifying.

?

hegemone said over 2 years ago ...

Well that's where you need to do a couple things, decide if you do truly want to talk about it. If you do, then you need to find someone you truly, genuinely trust who will be patient and is more apt to understand. Nothing wrong with also letting them know that you're sensitive about it, but feel the need to discuss it.

coffeebreak said over 2 years ago ...

star- it will not be mine anymore, when people know my true feeling it will be open to judgement an opinion which if it is unlike mine as these are happy memories i will not be tolerant to recieving. sorry i need to go thru and proof read this and edit it really, but i don't seem to have much time to do anything for myself at the moment. hege- thank you, and yes i do but my god the world is going to shake going through those emotions and some bad times that i've locked up for years x

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