Stalin, our fearless leader. Yay him!

His real name wasn't Stalin. It was Dzugashbobbalobbavili, a second cousin of Bob Vila twice removed and quite a little handyman in his own right.

He was Lenin's right hand man. By the time Lenin was just about dead, Lenin realized that Stalin was one crazy mo fo, but it was too late to stop him.

Stalin was particularly popular in Soviet politics when Lenin dropped dead because Stalin wasn't Jewish. So many of those early commies were Jewish, though not Lenin or Stalin. I'm going to tell you something that you will not believe. In Russia back then, a lot of people, get this, didn't care for Jews terribly much. Jews weren't their cup of tea in the ole samovar. And Stalin was not a Jew, which helped immensely. In fact, he friggin hated Jews.

Stalin was kookoo for cocoa puffs. He imagined that everyone was against him. He was a paranoid. He had 94 million loyal Russians killed because he was convinced that they were all against him. The one guy he trusted was this short guy, maybe a little under 5 feet tall. He affectionately called him My Fuckin Midget or My Mini Me. This short guy killed 78 million more loyal Russians. Between them, they ordered the murders of seven thousand million loyal Russians, including the entire roster of military officers.

The one guy who Stalin trusted was Hitler. He signed a friendship pact with his happy buddy Hitler. They would get together every Tuesday afternoon, put on dresses and makeup, and pass teacups around, pretending to be adults.

Hitler decided to invade Poland, as in Why not? He took Poland from the left, and Stalin took Poland from the right, and they met in the middle for another of their little makeup parties.

Since Hitler felt, in his heart of hearts, that the Russian people were scum to be ousted from their homeland, he attacked Russia, his ally. Stalin was shocked at the betrayal of such a loving friend. So Stalin exhorted his countrymen to kick a lot of ass, and they ended up doing just that. Stalin won the war. Hitler lost.

When the dust settled, it seemed that the Russian people were ungrateful to their fearless leader Stalin. They went from worshipping him to thinking he was a shmuck. They said so too, several years after he was safely dead and buried.

Stalin was a big fan of the Boston Red Sox.

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d6fer said over 3 years ago ...

I hear he made a mean potato salad....was that true? ;p

lfbno7 said over 3 years ago ...

an excellent point, and one i should not have neglected to mention.

soaringraven said over 3 years ago ...

I recently read a biography of Stalin, odd that the biographer didn't mantion his close personal relationship with Hitler. Go figure. It was a very dry piece, too bad the author didn't consult you before sending it to press. It may have become a more interesting read.


rollingc said over 3 years ago ...

I hear that potato salad was so mean, it made him kill anyone that read the recipe.

I understand how this piece of info would escape notice in the schools as it doesn't go down well in the History books about great cultural leaders of that time being closet cross-dressers and all.

rollingc said 10 months ago ...

Oh how I miss these history lessons.....

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