It was about a week ago when I wrote my last post about how i cannot do this whole parenting deal no more. When I wrote it, I meant every single word, because that is how I felt at the time. I saw your comments, and I am glad to know that I still have at least a couple of people who care enough to read me and comment on my thoughts. But I wasn't able to react. It actually took this long to say something - anything on the subject.
I get those feelings every now and then. I don't have to explain because as i read my own words I realized, these are the exact same thoughts I have every time when I "lose it" with my son. But for some reason I never actually make that call, or send that e mail to my ex to come and pick his son up. That thing that I cannot explain is what I call "being a parent".
That day I actually told UD to take my son on a bus ride, with a suitcase packed with his clothes, and act as if he is taking him to his grandparents, talk to him, and then bring him home. I know this is a bit too much, but it worked. My son started crying and saying how much he loves me, loves us, and how he doesn't want to go. I was so close to make it official and make an arrangement with my ex about taking his son to live with him! But I just couldn't make myself do that. I've had all the reasons why I should, yet, when it came to it, no matter how angry I was, I just couldn't do it.
When the boys came home from the bus trip about an hour later I could tell my son has calmed down. But I still felt the same anger. Even the next morning I was unable to let it all go. My son, bless his heart, did everything to please me during the last week. More than I've ever expected from him. I kept in grounded till yesterday anyway, but my anger decreased more and more as time passed. It was UD who allowed my son to start playing on his computer again and today it's like nothing ever happened. Of course, I know that this will not be the last big fight between my son and I. I know that this will not change him forever. But I guess that is what it means to be a parent - to some times have these days and feel angry, and mad and sad and all the feelings possible, but then work through it all and move on.
I am a human being. I am not ashamed of how I felt at the time, or to even say it out loud that it is hard for me to deal with my daily life as a parent. I think it is natural to some times feel this way. The same way it is natural for our children to some times act up so bad that it makes us go crazy.
My mom (R.I.P) used to say: " Only those who you really love can make really mad or really sad, because you really care about them."