I do not know what horrible deed I have done to deserve all the crap that has been happening to me since this year has started, but I would really like to take it back. I don't like to whine, but it seems that everything is just piling up and I honestly do not know how much more of it that I can take. I feel that I am very close to some kind of breaking point and I do not like feeling like this. I also am so emotionally exhausted, just completely drained and out of sorts, and I can hardly bring myself to eat anything, which is not the kind of "diet" I wanted to go on though the results of which are already showing.
I posted I think a little over two weeks ago about how my husband of five and a half years decided to break up with me in a text message while he was thousands of miles away being a truck driver. I do not know what has come over him at this new job, but he had become so completely cold to me, from wanting to fight to completely ignoring me altogether. I told myself that it really wasn't me, that it was most likely that his new job was not what he thought it would be so perhaps he was stressed out and tired and just taking it out on me. But then the texts came killing every single dream I had for our future.
But I tried to play the tough little lady, because although I was dying inside, I have a son who relies on me, I can't wallow in my misery, I had to make plans to build a new future for us. I told my husband, if that's what you want I can't stop you from leaving me. He had left me before in fact, in the first year of our marriage, but came crawling back to me after three days with promises that he apparently no longer cares to keep. So I was going through the process of mourning my marriage, trying to make bright plans for the future, making necessary appointments to do just that.
He had started to text me I forget about what, but I just ignored him like he had done to me. He then actually sent me a text that said, "Guess now I know what it feels like to be ignored" or something stupid like that. But because we have this amazing little boy together, I couldn't ignore him forever, I had to let him back in. I asked him how much was he willing to help financially for our son, would he help me get insurance when I got a car until I got a job, things like that. One day I told him that it all felt like some bad dream, and he said it hadn't really sunk in yet either, and he said something else and I was like, well, this is all your doing, and he was like, my doing?? I have to wonder, I sent you a seventeen page text for which you replied with one page, and I'm like, well, what could I say to you breaking up with me? Then he says, and this is the real kicker, that he did NOT break up with me. Well, call me silly, but I see only one way to interpret it, here is some of the things that seem obviously him breaking it off:
"...it would be better if we just go our own ways..." "...you deserve better..." "...I do love you but it's changed..." "We never should have gotten married that young, we cheated ourselves..." "...I will never forget my time with you, I have learned much and are a better person for knowing you..." "You were and will still be a big part of my life because of (our son), but I think its time we be honest with ourselves"
I certainly don't know how I could have misinterpreted it as anything but him breaking up with me. But he claimed, he wasn't saying he WANTED to break up, just he was THINKING about it. ?????? So this thing happened, this little spark of hope lit up inside me that there was a chance that I could get him back. I mean, he said he wasn't meaning to break up, so, should be easy right? Except now here is where we get to the huge ass roller coaster of emotions he has been putting me through. Because see, he doesn't know if he wants to be together or not apparently. One minute he is being nice, the next he is being a complete ass. Sometimes he is talking to me, sometimes he is ignoring me. I know when he is ignoring me. I even tricked him into answering my phone call because I knew how to make a different number show up and I used his brothers. He didn't like that, but at least he couldn't deny what he was doing. He has been to put it so lamely, so hot and so cold. He won't say he loves me at all. When we are "together" he says he wants to wait until he sees me face to face. When we are "not together", well I don't expect him to say it then anyhow. I feel like he is playing a game with me. This is so unhealthy. It's unfair to me that he won't make up his mind one way or another. And, he keeps acting like I am the one hurting him. I have no idea how I could be hurting him. And he keeps asking me to give him reasons to "keep trying" but I have already again and again. He asks me continuously "what should I do", but when I tell him what I think, of course it changes nothing. He asks for photos and like an idiot I send them. I know he talks to me only when he gets bored and there isn't anyone else because like an idiot I am willfully in the palm of his hand, ready to jump when he tells me too, chasing at his heels. He is back to ignoring me at the moment, but he'll want to talk again soon, and I'll have to be careful what I say so he won't get mad and hang up and then not talk to me for awhile. One minute he is calling me sweet names then next he is being a total jerk. I don't get it. I just want him to tell me that it's over already. Because I can't walk away from him, I need him to walk away from me. Just leave me alone so I can get on with my life. Or fine, decide to be with me, I'd like that. Even though he doesn't treat me good, even though he spends a lot of time neglecting me, I'm a fool for him. I just don't fucking know what to do. So I guess I'll keep waiting by the phone willing him to call so I can get just a little piece of him before he decides to shut me out again, a vicious cycle that has been repeated over and over and over. =/