Yakkstr

HELP!!!!!!!!! =/

I do not know what horrible deed I have done to deserve all the crap that has been happening to me since this year has started, but I would really like to take it back. I don't like to whine, but it seems that everything is just piling up and I honestly do not know how much more of it that I can take. I feel that I am very close to some kind of breaking point and I do not like feeling like this. I also am so emotionally exhausted, just completely drained and out of sorts, and I can hardly bring myself to eat anything, which is not the kind of "diet" I wanted to go on though the results of which are already showing.

I posted I think a little over two weeks ago about how my husband of five and a half years decided to break up with me in a text message while he was thousands of miles away being a truck driver. I do not know what has come over him at this new job, but he had become so completely cold to me, from wanting to fight to completely ignoring me altogether. I told myself that it really wasn't me, that it was most likely that his new job was not what he thought it would be so perhaps he was stressed out and tired and just taking it out on me. But then the texts came killing every single dream I had for our future.

But I tried to play the tough little lady, because although I was dying inside, I have a son who relies on me, I can't wallow in my misery, I had to make plans to build a new future for us. I told my husband, if that's what you want I can't stop you from leaving me. He had left me before in fact, in the first year of our marriage, but came crawling back to me after three days with promises that he apparently no longer cares to keep. So I was going through the process of mourning my marriage, trying to make bright plans for the future, making necessary appointments to do just that.

He had started to text me I forget about what, but I just ignored him like he had done to me. He then actually sent me a text that said, "Guess now I know what it feels like to be ignored" or something stupid like that. But because we have this amazing little boy together, I couldn't ignore him forever, I had to let him back in. I asked him how much was he willing to help financially for our son, would he help me get insurance when I got a car until I got a job, things like that. One day I told him that it all felt like some bad dream, and he said it hadn't really sunk in yet either, and he said something else and I was like, well, this is all your doing, and he was like, my doing?? I have to wonder, I sent you a seventeen page text for which you replied with one page, and I'm like, well, what could I say to you breaking up with me? Then he says, and this is the real kicker, that he did NOT break up with me. Well, call me silly, but I see only one way to interpret it, here is some of the things that seem obviously him breaking it off:

"...it would be better if we just go our own ways..." "...you deserve better..." "...I do love you but it's changed..." "We never should have gotten married that young, we cheated ourselves..." "...I will never forget my time with you, I have learned much and are a better person for knowing you..." "You were and will still be a big part of my life because of (our son), but I think its time we be honest with ourselves"

I certainly don't know how I could have misinterpreted it as anything but him breaking up with me. But he claimed, he wasn't saying he WANTED to break up, just he was THINKING about it. ?????? So this thing happened, this little spark of hope lit up inside me that there was a chance that I could get him back. I mean, he said he wasn't meaning to break up, so, should be easy right? Except now here is where we get to the huge ass roller coaster of emotions he has been putting me through. Because see, he doesn't know if he wants to be together or not apparently. One minute he is being nice, the next he is being a complete ass. Sometimes he is talking to me, sometimes he is ignoring me. I know when he is ignoring me. I even tricked him into answering my phone call because I knew how to make a different number show up and I used his brothers. He didn't like that, but at least he couldn't deny what he was doing. He has been to put it so lamely, so hot and so cold. He won't say he loves me at all. When we are "together" he says he wants to wait until he sees me face to face. When we are "not together", well I don't expect him to say it then anyhow. I feel like he is playing a game with me. This is so unhealthy. It's unfair to me that he won't make up his mind one way or another. And, he keeps acting like I am the one hurting him. I have no idea how I could be hurting him. And he keeps asking me to give him reasons to "keep trying" but I have already again and again. He asks me continuously "what should I do", but when I tell him what I think, of course it changes nothing. He asks for photos and like an idiot I send them. I know he talks to me only when he gets bored and there isn't anyone else because like an idiot I am willfully in the palm of his hand, ready to jump when he tells me too, chasing at his heels. He is back to ignoring me at the moment, but he'll want to talk again soon, and I'll have to be careful what I say so he won't get mad and hang up and then not talk to me for awhile. One minute he is calling me sweet names then next he is being a total jerk. I don't get it. I just want him to tell me that it's over already. Because I can't walk away from him, I need him to walk away from me. Just leave me alone so I can get on with my life. Or fine, decide to be with me, I'd like that. Even though he doesn't treat me good, even though he spends a lot of time neglecting me, I'm a fool for him. I just don't fucking know what to do. So I guess I'll keep waiting by the phone willing him to call so I can get just a little piece of him before he decides to shut me out again, a vicious cycle that has been repeated over and over and over. =/

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one_wired_kitty said about 3 years ago ...

I know this probably isn't much help but sometimes you need to break before you can rebuild. I had to....

rollingc said about 3 years ago ...

I really don't know what to say except that you should be perfectly clear with each other....for your son's sake if nothing else. Have a face to face with him and both of you put your cards on the table. Other than that I don't know what to say and I know that new beginnings are always hard. Good luck

zsuzsio said about 3 years ago ...

Reading your words I can't help thinking - this man of yours has decided already, and you know that. If you ask me, it looks like he simply doesn't want to take the responsibility of the break up. He doesn't want to be the big bad wolf who broke a family and your heart, cause, who knows, maybe he likes taking in the glory of the good guy, or maybe, he knows exactly that you are doing your best and giving him your best. Maybe I am wrong and there is a totally different reason for him to play this game. But that's exactly what this is. A game. It sounds like having a sudden freedom from you and the family life, being the truck driver he is, might have given him a feeling of ease. Hey, I can be far from the responsibility of a relationship (marriage) and of being the head of household, so it is almost like being young and single again - YEY.... Everybody who knows what it means to be in a relationship and to be a parent, knows that having some time off all that can feel really nice some times. But then, there are those days when even the busiest single person feels lonely and needs some one to talk to. When the warm feeling of a family, belonging to somewhere and being cared about is missing from that empty spot the single life created. Of course, I have no idea. I am just guessing like you do. And I don't even know the guy, you or your relationship to be able to make a close guess. But these are facts of life. I can imagine that he wrote all that but was really waiting for you to make the final move, so his little soul could be at peace, that it is not his fault that all this happened. But the man already knows the truth about how he feels, and I think you do too.

I would say, get up, cut him off totally, and even if it is hard, move on with your life. But having a child together means that he'll ALWAYS be a part of both of your lives. You gotta know that. Divorce or not, if you want the best for your child, you'll have to maintain some kind of a relationship with your (maybe) ex-to-be. So be smart. Make a plan and keep it yours. Create financial stability for yourself, or a way to get there, and when you'll get to the actual divorce, honey, take as much as you can. Don't make the same mistake I did, cause with the years being a single mom will leave it's mark on your life style, on your soul, on your everything. Ego, feelings, understanding and all that crap have NO place in a divorce agreement, cause what you feel now will change with the years. And your son will need more and more, which you will not be able to give him unless you will be well prepared. So this is the time to be smart and open your eyes to the truth, I say. He knows that you love him and that the good human being you are, you will always be there playing his game. Let him think that. But get a good lawyer, a real shark - and not any shark, it's gotta be the great white shark, the scariest of all - and be ready for what needs to come.

I want to say that there is a chance for you to gain your husband back, and stay being a couple. And I do truly wish that for you. But I think that the longer you are in this boat, the more you are becoming the victim of your own naivety and love. Not saying your are naive, cause I don't know you. But I am saying that what I learned from life is this: People do you as you allow them to do so. I also think that being so sure of having you, he probably respects it that much less. Should he see you as a strong woman standing on her own feet, teaching him a lesson for life, I bet he'd want to crawl back on his knees. But again, I think that relationships are like electrical gadgets - when it ran it's course there is no use of trying to fix it and hold on to it, cause all you do is keeping yourself in a past that takes you nowhere. There is always newer and better gadgets out there, and to get them will cost you about the same as to fix the old one. The only difference is that with the new you not only get the rush of something new and shiny, but also might find something that fits you and your needs better. you know what I mean?

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