patrick, i miss you. I cry sometimes not knowing whether i am sobbing because I hurt or because I'm mad. Tell Jesus I said hey. I miss you so much. today i didn't want to get out of bed because i didn't want to see the picture of you holding that little mexican girl after pulling her out of that burning house and her mother's ashened face streaked with tears gazing up at you like you were an angel. babe, i miss you. i want to talk to you so bad about what's happening about you being gone. the pain i think it has lessened and then a day like today hits and i want to scream it hurts so bad. honey, i don't know what to do. I feel like I'm making progress with the giref crap and then BAM i feel like i fall back to where i was. Patrick, I met a guy. I'm sorry. i'm so sorry. Will has a five year old son named Cale. i'm sorry i'll forget about him now. idk! god i don't know. will's wife died a little over a year ago so he knows what i'm going through. It was all strictly friendship and then sunday night happened and he told me saw me. baby, what do i do? you're all i know. you know what that means to me the see you thing. i don't know what to do yaar, i don't know what to do. I feel like a complete loser. it's too soon. too soon. but honey he gets how much i hurt. he's going through the same thing. he gets it. but i feel like i'm betraying you by going to him? idk what to do. I hurt so bad and I'm so mad at God. Why?! I don't want anyone other than you but i like him patrick and i'm sorry. so sorry. it feels wrong and comforting all in one but it's too soon. i can't yet right? give it a couple years right? Patrick help! please God. i don't know. i just don't know and it hurts to think about it. I feel like i'm betraying you when i even think about him. When he calls me when he tells me he's praying for me. When Cale comes up and says Elizabeth, you're beautiful can I have a kiss and I comply I feel like this is what I"m meant for but I was going to have that with you not a man named william a man named patrick. i don't know patrick. my heart is in a huge tug of war. i love you with all of my heart; you know that right? I promised I wouldn't leave you but what about now? do i continue this friendship with an unfamiliar man or do I stay with your memories and what you once were? Patrick, i hurt. my heart hurts. please don't be mad. ok be mad, you have every right to be. Just know that I love you so very much. you are my beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful boy.