Dear Papa

Why did you go, do you know anything anymore, your head is still, your eyes are closed, you are a kind of blue colour. I am sorry i never hugged you in the last month. Im so sorry I never said I loved you when you were so close to the end. I'm sorry I wasn't at your wedding anniversary, I'm sorry if you didn't know how much I loved you, I'm sorry if you didn't know why I was scared to hug you and show you how much I loved you and that I missed you all the time. Sundays used to all be the same I'd come see you and laugh at you and Nana and then I'd go home, then it all changed I grew and decided that money for drugs was more important than your life and seeing you became a rare occourance. I hate myself for not being at your wedding due. Noone knew how much I loved you until that day when I stood and read out what you are to me and what you are like as a papa and you are the only person my whole life who I did not have one bad experience with or one bad thing to say to you. And now the only thing I need is your hug and I can't express this to anyone, I'm going insane thinking about you all the time. Everyone else is carrying on like (normal) nothings happened. And yet everyday I have this pain and I miss you more and more it's not getting any easier, I need you so much, I choose to go to college to make you happy and now your not here I don't know what to do. I need you to help me, I can't do this alone. Please come and tell me everything is going to be okay and I'm just having the biggest nightmare that ever exisited in the whole human race. Just one more moment to have you is all I need. Just so I know you know how much I really care for you. You know even though I came to hospital and saw you many times and you were very ill you never told anyone how much pain you were in. The medication was kept hidden and only you knew when and what to take. The only thing I ever saw you take was you oxygen and yet I still thought you would be here to celebrate with me. When I'm 18 I have to decide how to live and what to do. Come and tell me, how many times can I ask, without you here, it's hopeless. Did they paint your face? What did you wear? How long was your hair? Did you lay on your back? Did they hurt you? Why didn't you come back? Did you have to leave us, nothing is the same without you and it's hard to believe that you gave up fighting. When you still had everything to live for. You were gettiing ready to go out and have a couple of sneaky fags, I thought you would always be there when I needed you, What happened to you When did you lose your strength.

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hegemone said over 3 years ago ...


coffeebreak said over 3 years ago ...

Thanks, but I was an awful person back then.

truthsayer said over 3 years ago ...

My Grama died when I was 17. It was Christmas Day. She was my rock. I too had neglected her in the end. I talked to her. I called. I even saw her. But I had distanced myself from her. I don't know why. I was already giving up on life. In my own way, I was the one that was dying.

I did not take her death well. I refused to believe it. I kept calling her phone number over and over and over. I thought that she would suddenly answer the phone! Your "nightmare" wish...my phone calls. But that isn't all.

I refused to go to the funeral home. Refused to go to any visitations. I almost refused to go to the funeral in another state...and almost missed her burial. I decided that she wasn't really dead, if I didn't see her "dead". She would live on in me. Ha.

My sister had them hold her body at the funeral, in the back, before putting it into the hearse. She told me this was my last chance. She was afraid that I would never accept her death...or accept it too late, and be unable to "say goodbye."

I had a complete breakdown when I saw her. They had to pull me away from her. I couldn't believe she left me with "these crazy people". Kind of funny, isn't it? I was calling an empty house hoping Grama would answer, and I thought they were crazy. ; )

You will get through this. I promise. Joy comes in the morning. My Grama left so that I would quit relying on her, and instead, switch my total reliance to God. He has never let me down, to this day. He won't let you down either Coffee Break : )

Your New Friend,


coffeebreak said over 3 years ago ...

truthsayer-I got tears in my eyes, i'm not religious, I dont believe there can be a god or a higher power. sorry. I didnt break down at the funeral, I cried when I read what I had written and I also read a poem that my aunty choose I was 17 at the time, the only constant male in my life died, and I looked after everyone else. my sister 9 at the time and at the wake she hid under a table crying no one could get her out so my mum asked me to talk to her and I crawled under the table with her held her hand and told her I wouldnt let go until she was fine and I had a secret to tell her and she came straight out. That was a really hard day the funeral. It was ten days after he died as he had to have a post mortum done. The last christmas he was with us my step nan told me I should spend time with him as this might be his last and I thought she was talking crap. I ignored everything. i guess that's why we learn as we grow. I felt like I let him down because I couldnt read out everything I had written about him, I stood up in front of everyone started reading in and started crying before i ended the first sentence my aunty came and stood next to me and held my hand and read most it out for me.

truthsayer said over 3 years ago ...

I don't expect you to do what I had to...at least not the exact way I did. I just wanted you to know that I made it. I am better for it. I am strong... indomitable really ; ) Everything happens for a reason.

I love the way you helped your little sister. I do that with my own children now. Sometimes that's all we need. Just someone to say I won't leave you until you are "fine". I tell my children I will never leave them. I mean it. And He never leaves me. I am never alone. None of us are.

Blessings little one!

Truthsayer : )

truthsayer said over 3 years ago ...

I had a dream about my Grampa too. He died when I was 8 years old. The dream was much, much later. Maybe I'll blog about that someday.

C ya!


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