Why did you go, do you know anything anymore, your head is still, your eyes are closed, you are a kind of blue colour. I am sorry i never hugged you in the last month. Im so sorry I never said I loved you when you were so close to the end. I'm sorry I wasn't at your wedding anniversary, I'm sorry if you didn't know how much I loved you, I'm sorry if you didn't know why I was scared to hug you and show you how much I loved you and that I missed you all the time. Sundays used to all be the same I'd come see you and laugh at you and Nana and then I'd go home, then it all changed I grew and decided that money for drugs was more important than your life and seeing you became a rare occourance. I hate myself for not being at your wedding due. Noone knew how much I loved you until that day when I stood and read out what you are to me and what you are like as a papa and you are the only person my whole life who I did not have one bad experience with or one bad thing to say to you. And now the only thing I need is your hug and I can't express this to anyone, I'm going insane thinking about you all the time. Everyone else is carrying on like (normal) nothings happened. And yet everyday I have this pain and I miss you more and more it's not getting any easier, I need you so much, I choose to go to college to make you happy and now your not here I don't know what to do. I need you to help me, I can't do this alone. Please come and tell me everything is going to be okay and I'm just having the biggest nightmare that ever exisited in the whole human race. Just one more moment to have you is all I need. Just so I know you know how much I really care for you. You know even though I came to hospital and saw you many times and you were very ill you never told anyone how much pain you were in. The medication was kept hidden and only you knew when and what to take. The only thing I ever saw you take was you oxygen and yet I still thought you would be here to celebrate with me. When I'm 18 I have to decide how to live and what to do. Come and tell me, how many times can I ask, without you here, it's hopeless. Did they paint your face? What did you wear? How long was your hair? Did you lay on your back? Did they hurt you? Why didn't you come back? Did you have to leave us, nothing is the same without you and it's hard to believe that you gave up fighting. When you still had everything to live for. You were gettiing ready to go out and have a couple of sneaky fags, I thought you would always be there when I needed you, What happened to you When did you lose your strength.